I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
