my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
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Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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