I can tuck mytits in my pants
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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