Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
