You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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