Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
