Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
