That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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