so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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