now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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