I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You ruined the universe
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
