Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
PANTIES FOUND
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