Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating