I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????