so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.