i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
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found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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