you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"