I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great