I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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