gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
