I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
