apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
