Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
