I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
