closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
