I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
