my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
