i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my being single is dangerous.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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