he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
