I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
