Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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