does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
