Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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