I didn't shave. On purpose
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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