dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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