shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
