Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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