Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
