the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
