he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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