My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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