Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
