before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
