I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
