exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
