haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
