My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
