he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
