Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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