Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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