I'm lost and stupid without you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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