Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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