Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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