i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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