Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
