I am full of burrito and curiosity
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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