im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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