I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
