i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
