i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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